Your POV

Your whole body is practically shaking as you pace the room Soldier Boy had left you in. This time, the room is an empty office. A desk and couch with not much else. It doesn’t look used, and you assume that’s why Ben picked it. So you’re not disturbed. While the meeting was supposedly about you, you’ve not been allowed to attend. Ever since what happened to Tristan, and Ben had to call Vought to cover it up, Ben’s kept you on a tight leash. You’d heard Ashley less than politely request your presence at the meeting. Her voice is loud and Ben has never worked out how to turn the volume down on his cell, so you hear most of his conversations with Vought. But the supe had insisted that you weren’t going to be involved, and eventually Ashley had relented and agreed that Ben could go alone. 

But since Tristan, Ben hasn’t really known what alone is. Gone are the days when he’d let you stay home alone while he went out or worked. Now he expects you to follow him everywhere. It’s like he doesn’t trust you anymore. And while you don’t really trust yourself anymore either, and you feel a paralysing sense of guilt every time you think about the guy that you didn’t get to save in time, you’ve been over it a million times in your mind, and sometimes you’re able to convince yourself it wasn’t your fault. 

But then you think about it some more, and if it isn’t your fault, whose is it? Ben’s? He was the one that beat Tristan up so badly, but you’re the one that had the blood that could heal him, and you didn’t do it. You just sat there and waited for Ben to tell you you could. You should’ve just done it without thinking, without hesitating. Why did it have to come down to Ben telling you to do it? Why wasn’t it just an automatic response? And the only answer you’ve been able to come up with is that you’re a monster. It’s all your fault. 

Maybe Ben knows that, maybe he knows that a man is dead because of you, and he’s trying to protect you by stopping you going to that meeting. They’d probably hang you out to dry, might even want to get rid of you completely for causing them so much stress. You might have compound V running through your veins now, but that doesn’t automatically make you a hero like the rest of them. They might see you as a threat and want to take you down. You wonder if Ben will fight your corner. He does love you, right? He wants to protect you? He wouldn’t let them kill you, would he? 

The anxiety of waiting is getting too much. You have so many questions and no answers, and all you can do is pace this stupid office and wait. There’s a sickness pressing at the base of your throat, and when you realise you might actually throw up, you quickly leave the office in search of the nearest restrooms. You find them just down the hall, and lock yourself into a stall, heaving over the toilet bowl for a few moments before concluding nothing is going to come up. You wipe your mouth anyway, and head back out to the sinks, splashing some cold water on your face and swilling your mouth out. 

Your eyes catch your purse as you place it on the counter top and you look towards the door before reaching inside, retrieving the pill bottle you’d stolen from Ben. He hasn’t noticed it’s missing yet, but he’s not really taken anything like this since he’s discovered your blood. You pop the cap and tip two pills onto the counter, using the bottle to crush them into powder. Next you rummage in your purse for your wallet and find an old card, pushing the powder into lines. You lean down and inhale one, hoping it’ll kick in soon. You’ve started to learn if you take enough, it blurs the edges a little, and makes the flashbacks a little more hazy. 

You’re about to take the second hit when the door opens, and you’re quick to try and clean up the counter, looking to see the last person you expected to walk into the Ladies restroom. 

“Homelander,” you breathe out, rushing to continue tidying up the evidence. 

“You’re Y/N, right?” he smiles. “Ben’s little girlfriend.” 

“Yeah,” you reply nervously, forcing a smile. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Likewise, I thought he’d never let me near you.” 

You force a laugh and nod your head. “Ben can be pretty protective,” you explain, reaching up to make sure that there’s no powder still dusted on your nose. 

“Of course,” Homelander nods, stepping a little closer. 

“Urm, what are you doing in the women’s bathroom?” you try to ask casually, but then you realise it sounds accusational and the last thing you want is for someone like Homelander to think you’re accusing him of anything. 

“I could hear your breathing, it sounded like you were upset. Just wanted to check on you,” he explains. 

“Oh, that’s very sweet,” you tell him, biting your bottom lip anxiously, wondering if it’s completely obvious what you’ve just done and if he’s going to bring up the elephant in the room. He might tell the rest of Vought and then they’ll want to get rid of you even more. You’re a liability after all. 

“So listen, I heard you’re one of us now,” he continues.

“Hardly,” you scoff, “I’m not a hero.” 

Homelander laughs, and the tone makes you a little uncomfortable. “Listen, Y/N, I know this all must be pretty scary for you right now, and I know you’ve got Ben, but if you want to talk about any of it, or if you have any questions, I’m right here.” 

“Thanks, Homelander, that’s really kind,” you tell him sincerely. Considering Ben won’t talk about any of this with you, you find every question on the tip of your tongue. But then you wonder how sincere he was about his offer. Maybe he’s just being polite. Maybe he’s just being a hero. But he didn’t have to say that, right? 

“Why don’t we go somewhere a little more private and we can talk about it?” he asks, flashing you a charming smile. 

You let out a breath of relief that he’s the one that has suggested it, and you nod your head, grabbing your purse and following him out of the restroom. 

“So do you know your powers?” Homelander asks as you take a seat on the couch he’d just gestured to. 

“I’m stronger than before, and my senses seem heightened… and my blood…” you trail off, not sure how much you should actually tell him. You’re not totally stupid. Ben probably isn’t supposed to be getting high off of your blood. He’s supposed to be a good guy and good guys don’t get high. “I think it heals people,” you offer. 

Homelander offers you a drink, something dark brown, a small amount in the bottom of a glass and you assume it’s whiskey or scotch like Ben drinks. “Huh,” he replies, sitting beside you. 

“I don’t think there’s anything else,” you tell him, feeling your cheeks heat up. “I’d make a pretty shitty hero.” 

“Nonsense, you could save people’s lives, that sounds pretty heroic to me.” 

Instantly your mind flashes back to Tristan and you wish you could’ve taken that second hit. As you come back to the room, you notice his hand is on your thigh and you tense a little. 

“I don’t think I should be here,” you blurt out. “Ben will probably be done with his meeting soon, and he’ll be looking for me.” 

“Are you his girlfriend or his prisoner?” Homelander laughs easily. “You can stay a moment or two longer. I’m the leader of the Seven, and you’re one of us now, I think he’ll understand.” His hand squeezes your thigh tighter and you force a smile, not wanting to upset the supe. “Listen, I didn’t want to say anything, but I’d be a bad mentor if I didn’t. I know that things must be scary for you right now, but if Vought find out about your little… coping mechanism, things will probably get messy.” 

Your eyes widen at his words, as you realise he’s bringing up the elephant in the room. But then you feel even more claustrophobic when you consider maybe he’s not even talking about the drugs. What if he knows your other secret. What if he knows about yours and Ben’s game. He’s bound to know about Tristan if Vought knows about him. 

“What coping mechanism?” you find yourself asking. 

Homelander scoffs softly and slides himself closer to you on the couch. “I know Ben has some nasty habits, and I’d hate to see you fall into those same traps.” 

You have to turn your head to see his face he’s now so close, and you lick your lips nervously, not sure how to respond. 

“I love him,” you find yourself telling the supe. 

“I’m sure you do, sweetheart,” Homelander smiles, but from this close you can tell it’s fake. “But the only thing Ben loves is himself. And I just think me and you could make quite the team, hm?” he asks, bringing his face closer into your neck. 

As you feel his lips start to press against your skin, you look down at his hand on your thigh again and realise what a big mistake you’ve made coming in here. 

“I should go.” 

You try to push away, but even with your new found strength, you’re no match to Homelander, who doesn’t budge. 

“You know, one word from me, and Vought could make you a star. I could make you a star.”

“Ben is probably–” 

“I don’t think you fucking understand,” Homelander chuckles coldly, interrupting your protest. “I’m in charge around here, I get what I fuckin’ want. I control everyone here, do you understand that?” 

Your heart starts beating harder, your whole body feeling weak and powerless beside the superior supe. You swallow hard and nod your head, not wanting to upset him further. At your confirmation you feel him smirk against your skin and kiss it again, dragging his teeth along it. His hand moves higher up your thigh, and if you thought you felt sick earlier, you definitely do now. If Ben ever finds out about this he’ll kill you. And probably literally. But what are you supposed to do? You can’t tell this man no, he’s made it very clear that that isn’t an option. He could tell Vought about the drugs and they might just kill you off there and then. They might even get Homelander to do it. 

“I want you to strip your clothes.” 

You swallow down the nausea and take a deep breath, shakily reaching for the shirt of Ben’s you’d chosen to wear that morning, wishing you’d picked something else. You pull it over your head and reach back to unclasp your bra, putting both items of clothing on the coffee table in front of you, reaching up to hide yourself with your arm instead. Homelander sits back, his eyes dropping to your bottom half as if to make a point. 

You swallow hard, your hands trembling, but you can’t bring yourself to remove your jeans. 

“I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this. Ben is the only man I’ve ever… and I love him,” you try to reason. 

Homelander huffs, clenching his jaw noticeably. “I don’t think you fucking understand–” he cuts himself short and takes a deep breath. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” 

His tone suddenly reminds you just how powerful he is, and not just with his influence over Vought and just the whole world in general, but also physically. This man could literally kill you with one look if he wanted to. 

You fight against every instinct inside you and stand up, reaching for the button on your jeans to push them down your legs. Once you’re completely naked you stand there awkwardly, willing yourself not to throw up or cry. Homelander rises to his feet to stand over you and smirks down at you, reaching for the zip in his pants as he starts to undo it, pushing his hand inside. 

“Time to see what all the fuss is about,” he smirks at you, pulling himself out of his fly. 

You’re relieved to see he’s nowhere near as big as Ben is, and he’s not even as big as Tristan. At that thought you try to refocus your mind on just getting through this successfully. The sooner you do it, the sooner it’s over. 

“How do you want me?” you ask as confidently as you can, even though your voice is wavering. 

“You ever fucked midair?” he asks with a knowing smirk. 

You shake your head, which prompts him to wrap his arms around you and lift you into them. You wrap your legs around his waist for support, even though you know he’s holding you with ease, and feel his hard cock pressing at your entrance. You try to stay still and not squirm away like every instinct inside you wants to, and then he’s lifting you both into the air, not too high because of the ceilings, but just enough that you feel completely at his mercy. 

You whimper when you feel Homelander push his way inside you. You handle it much better than you’ve ever handled Ben, even after turning, and you notice that he doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel tight and there’s no pressure, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable or like you might burst open. It just feels… fine. There’s that going for you at least. You don’t know if you could handle it hurting physically on top of emotionally. You’ve never had anyone else inside you but Ben. Tristan didn’t get that far thanks to Ben turning on him. You wonder what Ben would do now if he saw you with another man inside you. What he’d do to Homelander. What he’d do to you. 

While he never seemed to take any of what happened with Tristan out on you, you sometimes think about if him denying you helping him sooner was his way of punishing you. But you only did all those things with the guy because you thought that’s what Ben wanted. He was the one that brought Tristan back, he was the one that said that he wanted him to fuck you. You thought you were just making him happy. But that night with Tristan was complicated for many more reasons than just how it ended. 

“Say my name,” Homelander grunts out, and you realise when you come back to the room, he’s fucking into you pretty hard and fast. 

“Homelander,” you whimper out, hearing your voice is dry and cracked and barely there. 

“Tell me I’m powerful,” he demands next. 

“You’re powerful,” you tell him without hesitation, realising that he enjoys hearing that, and a strangled moan leaves his throat. “You’re so strong and powerful,” you add, watching him close his eyes. Maybe if you keep going, this will be over with sooner. You swallow down the bile with your pride and take a deep breath. “You’re so great, Homelander. Everyone loves you and you’re… the leader…” you struggle, desperate to find things to tell him, but it seems to be working, which is the main thing. 

“How much?” he chokes out. “How much do people love me?” 

“Oh… so much, everyone is just… obsessed with you.” 

“Yeah they fucking are,” he grunts, fucking into you harder. 

“C’mon,” you mutter under your breath, desperate for him to end this. At that Homelander’s eyes shoot open and he stares right at you, his jaw clenched. “C’mon, Homelander, show me how important you are,” you tell him, thinking on your feet. 

“Oh fuck,” he gasps, stilling inside you. 

Your whole body trembles but you force a smile at him, hoping it’s not completely obvious how relieved you are to be finished. Before you know it, you’re crashing back to the floor and you realise Homelander had dropped you. You scramble to get your clothes to redress, and can barely even look at him. 

When Homelander lands back on his feet, he’s already the picture of composed again, and he flashes you one of those camera worthy grins. 

“If you keep up the good work, I could see you in the Seven one day,” he smiles, patting your shoulder. 

“I should go,” you whimper out, not sure how much longer you can hold off throwing up. 

“Back to Ben,” Homelander mocks, smirking. “Before you go… I do have one more question.” 

“What?” you ask, licking your lips. 

“Who was better?” he asks casually. 

His eyes don’t meet yours at first, but as soon as they do, you know the answer you have to give. “You, of course. I’ve never… in the air… that was…” you can’t finish your sentence, clearing your throat. 

“Well it was great seeing you, Y/N.” 

Three pills isn’t enough, but you know if you spend any longer in the bathroom snorting shit up your nose and throwing up and scrubbing cum from between your legs, Ben is definitely going to wonder where you are, and he’s already getting pretty sick of you moping around about Tristan, so you can’t give him that excuse. And telling him the truth is out of the question. Ben can never know about what you just did. You tell yourself that you did what you had to. You fucked Homelander to save your own life, and you said all those nice things that you didn’t believe a word of to try and make it end sooner. That’s all it was. You lied through your teeth. Homelander is the most powerful being on this planet, what else were you meant to do?

You don’t leave the bathroom until you can make yourself look like you’ve not just experienced the most horrific thing in your life. But the drugs are screwing with your head enough you’re not quite sure if you just think you look okay, or if you actually do. But either way, Ben’s meeting will surely be over now, and if you’re not in that office where he left you he’s going to have a lot of questions you don’t have answers to. So you make your way back, seeing the door is open, and when you step inside you find Ben sitting on the couch. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” he grunts.

“Bathroom,” you squeak out. You rub the underside of your nose, and Solider Boy notices and laughs bitterly. 

“Get your fuckin’ shit together, I’m barely winning the fight in there to keep you alive. You’re a fuckin’ mess, and you’re starting to become more hardwork than you’re fuckin’ worth.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” you admit, nodding your head. You only feel worse after the drugs, and even taking them just reminded you of Homelander walking into that bathroom. You’re not sure you can even look at the pill bottle the same way ever again.

Soldier Boy stands up, walking over to you, and then reaches up and grabs your chin, holding your face still. 

“Don’t be fuckin’ sorry. Be better.” 

He lets go abruptly and walks past you, and you watch him go, noticing Homelander a little further down the hall. The blonde smiles at you like nothing ever happened, but you can’t even pretend right now. Desperate to follow your boyfriend out of there, hoping he never has to know the truth about what you’ve done.