Chapter Tags: angst, heartache, jealousy, anxiety, guilt, mentions of cheating, mentions of sex
Chapter WC: 2180
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Your POV
The sight of Jensen standing in the hallway makes you jump, reaching up to clutch your towel just in case it decides to come loose.
“Hey, I didn’t realise you were up,” you tell him, feeling your cheeks heat up. “I’d have gotten dressed first.”
“It’s okay,” he smiles far too easily, almost cockily, which makes you feel like this isn’t going to go well. “Nothing I haven’t seen before.”
You try to bite your tongue, ignore the comment, tell your legs to keep moving past him and into the safety of your bedroom, but you can’t help the words that leave your lips as a reminder to both of you.
“But it isn’t yours to see anymore.”
The point seems to wound Jensen just a little, but then a tiny smirk appears on his lips, curling around his teeth as he bites down on his bottom one. “Right,” he nods slowly, “It’s Drew’s.”
His tone is mocking, and you don’t have the energy for this. You’re already stressed enough with work and everything else going on, Jensen being jealous isn’t something you can add to that list. You take a deep breath, deciding to move around him, but realising there’s not enough room to get past without having to brush yourself up against him, and he looks like he’s staying put.
“You know you never answered my question,” he speaks up, not moving a muscle.
“What question?” you huff, starting to get frustrated. Your grip on your towel tightens, especially as Jensen’s eyes start to wander just a little. There’s a look in his eyes you can’t quite pinpoint. It goes beyond mischief or desire, there’s something else tainting it all, something glazing over the greens, frosting them slightly.
“About Jeff,” he reminds you, squinting slightly. The very mention of Jeff makes you feel guilty, and you automatically clench your jaw. “Did he make you feel as good as I did?” he repeats needlessly; you remember exactly what question he’s referring to now.
You’d thought you’d gotten away with it yesterday, but Jensen clearly won’t let it lie until you tell him. And you could lie, just to hurt his feelings a little, to knock him down a peg or two, but something tells you he’s wounded enough; this is him lashing out, scared and hurt. You hate that you’ve made him this way. But still, the fact that he’s even asking this right now… you shake your head, unable to believe he’d act this way, even if he is suffering. Clearly, he’s decided to play dirty.
“What about Drew? Does that good guy know how to fuck? Or does he just make love to you?”
That’s when it hits you. The tone in his voice, the very slight slur, and the fact he’s close enough you can just about smell the remnants of alcohol on his breath.
“Are you drunk?” you accuse, hoping to God that’s the only reason he’s being this insufferable.
Jensen shrugs nonchalantly. “Just enough to speak my mind.”
“Oh my god, we’re not talking about this,” you scoff, trying to push past him. This isn’t a conversation you ever want to have with the ex boyfriend you’re still not completely over, but when he’s drunk? You at least manage to get the other side of him, closer to your bedroom door, but then Jensen speaks up again, stopping you in your tracks and forcing you to face him once more.
“So I’ll take that as a no.”
“Is it really that important to you, Jensen?” you spit out, stepping up to him, starting to get more and more frustrated by the way he’s acting. “That you were the best fuck of my life?”
Jensen swallows, staring wide eyed at you, clearly starting to realise he’s made a mistake. Good, you want to see him squirm, he’s gotta learn to take what he’s handing out. And you’re absolutely not giving him the satisfaction of the truth right now, because he doesn’t deserve that.
“Even if you were, it doesn’t matter anymore, because it’s never going to happen again. I am engaged to a man that’s… amazing and kind and… doesn’t push me away when he feels things.”
“I didn’t push you away,” Jensen insists once again.
“You may as well have,” you argue, not really seeing the difference anymore, especially not with red tainting your vision. “Drew loves me, and he’s a good guy and I–” You stop your sentence short, afraid of the next words that want to fall out of your mouth. I can’t still be in love with you, it’s not fair on him. Tears press at the backs of your eyes and you will yourself not to cry. Not in front of him, not now. You want to tell him he’s right, that Drew will never make you feel the way he can, but that’s not fair on anyone, not when you don’t have any intentions of leaving your fiancé for the man that broke your heart. You can’t give Jensen another opportunity to do that again.
“I can’t do this to him,” you conclude, hoping that reminding yourself out loud will somehow help.
“Do what?” Jensen pushes, stepping closer. You find yourself stepping backwards, trying to keep the space between you, but your back hits the wall, and Jensen ends up towering over you, his hand reaching up to push some hair out of your face.
You take a shaky breath in, closing your eyes. Fuck him and fuck your resolve for being so damn weak. If he tries to kiss you now, you know you won’t be able to stop him. Your heart is thudding in your chest, knots pulling at your stomach over and over again.
“Don’t, Jensen,” you whisper, begging him to not pull you over that line again. By some miracle Jensen relents, leaning his forehead against yours and taking a deep, audible breath in.
“I miss you,” he confesses on an exhale.
Now every beat of your heart just aches, like you can feel the pain oozing from him. But at least he’s not being that insufferable cocky asshole right now, you suppose. You prefer this, real and raw and honest, even if it does hurt more. Maybe it’s good for it to hurt, to remind you why you can never go back.
You can’t help yourself lifting your face, just enough that your nose brushes against his, and you can feel his breath hit your lips. Fuck, what it would take right now to kiss him. You slide yourself out from under him before you can do something really fucking stupid, fleeing to the safety of your bedroom where you close the door and lean back against it. Your hand wraps over your mouth as you let out a silent sob, and you wonder if any of this is the right decision. Nothing even makes sense anymore.
Every time Jensen stands at your door you flinch. You can sense him, even though he doesn’t knock. He stands there for minutes at a time, casting a shadow under the door, and sometimes you can hear him breathing, but you’re too afraid to move from the centre of your bed, too afraid to face him. What if you can’t control yourself this time? What if you kiss him, and you don’t stop kissing him and you remember that you never wanted to in the first place. What if you leave everything behind for him?
You’d thought that you’d have run out of tears by now, and while your eyes are red and sore, they still leak silent tears from time to time as you scroll mindlessly through real estate ads for any kind of place to stay that isn’t under Jensen’s roof. Living with him at all was a stupid idea you should’ve never been talked into. It’s too late now, you’re about to start your first ever official teaching job, finding a place to live can’t be added to your pile of anxieties. But worrying you’re going to cheat on your thoughtful, selfless, innocent fiancé also isn’t something you want on that pile. So it’s a catch 22, really.
You’ve been waiting for the sure sounds of Jensen sleeping to slip out and use the kitchen or bathroom, knowing you won’t have to worry about being around him that way, but you know you can’t live like this for long. When you start work you’re going to be seeing him a lot more, so something has to change; you have to change. You have to be stronger than this.
A knock on your bedroom door makes you jump out of your skin. Jensen’s clearly plucked up the courage today, and the thought of having to open that door and look at him makes you feel nauseous. But if you don’t do it today, you’ll have to do it on Monday at least, on the first day of the semester. That’s only two days away, now. And the morning of your first day of your first job isn’t the day to be tackling facing Jensen again. So you begrudgingly decide that you’ll answer the door, sliding yourself off of the bed and checking you don’t look like you’ve been crying too much before taking a deep breath and opening the door.
“Hey beautiful.” The image of Drew smiling at you instantly fills you with both dread and relief. Relief that it isn’t Jensen, but dread that Drew is here, and what if he figures something out while he’s here? “Hey, you okay?” he instantly asks, crossing the threshold, dragging a suitcase behind him, before shutting your door.
“What?” you ask, still a little bewildered. “Yeah, I’m just stressed about Monday,” you lie. Drew drops the case and wraps his arms around you, kissing your forehead. “What are you doing here?”
“Bringing you some more of your stuff. Clothes and toiletries, things like that. I hope I got the right things, I kinda just went for stuff you wear a lot and stuff I think you look good in.”
“Thanks,” you tell him softly, offering him a weak smile.
“Plus, I wanted to surprise my girl, spend some time with her before her exciting new job starts,” he beams, sitting himself down on the bed. You force a bigger smile and nod. “This is nice,” he notes, looking around.
“It’s a little suffocating,” you confess. “Me and Jensen don’t really get along living together, so I’m trying to find a place.”
“Oh, well, makes sense I suppose,” he nods.
You play with your fingers in front of you, twisting them anxiously. Drew being here is all a little too much, and guilt is starting to consume you.
“Hey,” he prompts, standing up again. “You’re really stressed about this job, huh? You’re gonna hit it outta the park, baby,” he insists. “And I’m staying until Monday, so I’ll be here for your first day.”
“You are?” you ask, not sure if that makes you feel better or worse. At least you won’t have to face Jensen alone until then.
“Of course,” he nods, taking your hands in his to stop you from nearly breaking your fingers. “Relax, baby,” he soothes, reaching up to stroke your hair. “I’m here.”
You take a deep breath, trying to forget about the job and Jensen for a few moments. It is good that Drew is here. He loves you and he’s shown up to support you, and who wouldn’t want that from their partner? You’re lucky to have him, and you’ve just lost sight of that recently because you’ve been so caught up in the past and Jensen. You couldn’t ever imagine Drew hurting you the way Jensen did, and that should be enough of a reason for you to always pick him, right?
“I’m so lucky to have you,” you tell him softly, squeezing his hands. You reach up on your tiptoes, kissing his lips and smile slightly when he kisses back. It’s when you deepen the kiss that Drew chuckles, pulling back slightly. “What?” you prompt, frowning slightly.
“Jensen’s downstairs,” he reminds you.
“So?” you shrug, smirking slightly at the very idea that Jensen might overhear you. Maybe he needs to hear it, so he realises you’ve moved on.
“So when did you become such a rebel?” he teases, smirking back.
“Jensen isn’t my dad, it’s different,” you argue, shrugging. “Besides, you came all this way, it would be rude not to thank you for it… plus, I really do need some stress relief right now,” you tell him seductively, walking him back towards the bed, now intent on getting what you want. Maybe you just need to reconnect with Drew, remember why you wanted him in the first place. Drew sits down, and you straddle his lap, pushing your hair back over your shoulder.
“Oh I think I like this side of you,” he chortles, biting his bottom lip.
“You haven’t seen anything yet, baby.”
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