Chapter Tags: angst, asshole!Jensen, sexual tension, mentions of casual sex, mentions of fingering, mentions of cunnilingus
Chapter WC: 1965
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Jensen’s POV
Jensen groans as he blinks his eyes open, maybe the whiskey bottle he decided to polish off last night wasn’t such a good idea, after all. He might still be a little drunk. But he needed to do something to get his mind off of all the memories that keep creeping in.
He’s always thought about Y/N, he’s always looked at certain places in his house and seen her standing there, or heard her voice down the hallways, but having her here is making it so much worse. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to remember, or he doesn’t want her here at all. It’s that the memories are getting too painful, only reminding him what he’s lost. And every time he looks at her now, and he sees a woman even more mature than she was before, he’s reminded that so much has changed. And she’s not his anymore and maybe never will be again.
Not unless he wins her back, and he’s not going to do that by playing nice.
Jensen’s not a bad guy, but he’s better than that cheating fiancé Y/N has found herself with. And the poor girl doesn’t even know it. Jensen could tell her his suspicions, but he hasn’t really got any proof yet, and he might just look like the jealous ex making up lies to win her back. He has to do that without dropping Drew completely in it. He has to hope Y/N will pick him eventually.
As he rolls onto his back, he stares up at the ceiling, realising he can hear the shower running down the hall. He can’t stop his mind from wandering, imagining her in the shower, naked and wet. And Jensen doesn’t even really need to imagine it, he’s got plenty of memories of her standing under the warm spray of water, her hair wet and falling down her back, a teasing smirk on her face as she tries to entice him in to join her.
“C’mon, Daddy, I’m all wet, need your help with the hard to reach places.”
Not that Jensen ever needed any convincing to join her, but he did like to stand on the sidelines sometimes, observe her for a moment or two, his cock growing uncomfortably hard between his legs, even though they probably hadn’t relieved themselves too long ago. Relief never lasted long with Y/N. He thought those days were behind him. He thought he’d gotten too old to have the kind of sex drive a teenage boy would be proud of, but there was something about Y/N that always made him feel young, like it was all new to him. Like she was the only girl in the world he’d ever touched and tasted, and he wanted to take as much as he could.
Jensen would slip under the water with her eventually, pressing her against the cold tiles, kissing her breathless, and even if he couldn’t fuck her again, he wouldn’t be able to resist his hand pushing between her legs, his fingers seeking out her abused hole, or dropping to his knees on the shower floor, kissing her better if she was sore. Jensen had never been that insatiable with anyone else before, and he doesn’t think he ever will again.
There’s been the odd temporary fix in the time they’ve been apart. A couple one night stands after a few too many drinks and a fling that lasted barely a month. He did get a friend out of it. Ada is fun and flirty and likes a good time, and reminds him very much of Y/N in many ways. Except, Y/N if she never grew out of her slutty phase. Ada is very open about her sexuality, not ever being ashamed of liking men and sex. Jensen likes that. He likes how carefree she is. They’d both agreed that their hooking up was a one time thing, but they got on as friends, so exchanged numbers and now they occasionally meet up for a drink or food.
Ada was Jensen’s first time after Y/N, and he thinks that probably tainted it somehow. There had been a lot of drinking to forget, and a lot of mixed feelings when he was finally able to get it up enough to fuck her. But he stayed in his head the entire time, and he couldn’t blame Ada for not wanting to relive that. Maybe in some ways, she reminds him too much of Y/N, and that can hurt more often than it heals. But it never hurts to have a friend now and then, someone to help you forget or just to keep you company. Ada was that for Jensen, and still is sometimes.
The shower turns off, which brings Jensen back to the present, and he gets out of bed, heading towards the doorway so he can use the bathroom after Y/N. She opens the door, revealing she’s only in a towel, and jumps, reaching up to cling to it when she sees him standing there.
“Hey, I didn’t realise you were up,” she tells him, clearly a little embarrassed. “I’d have gotten dressed first.”
Jensen smirks softly, his mind – which is still slightly intoxicated – unhelpfully wondering what she looks like underneath the towel. He can’t imagine she looks much different from before.
“It’s okay,” he smiles, “nothing I haven’t seen before.”
Y/N takes a deep breath, pursing her lips slightly. “But it isn’t yours to see anymore,” she reminds him.
“Right,” he nods slowly, biting his bottom lip. “It’s Drew’s,” he mocks, scoffing. Y/N steps to one side to move around him, but she can’t get past unless Jensen moves to the side. “You know you never answered my question,” he reminds her, refusing to budge.
“What question?” she asks, holding her towel closed.
“About Jeff,” he reminds her, squinting slightly. He might’ve told her he was joking yesterday, but it’s a question he’s always wanted to know the answer to. “Did he make you feel as good as I did?” She shakes her head, not in answer as such, but more like disbelief. “What about Drew? Does that good guy know how to fuck? Or does he just make love to you?”
“Are you drunk?” she accuses.
Jensen shrugs nonchalantly, “just enough to speak my mind.”
“Oh my god, we’re not talking about this,” she insists, trying to push past him.
“So I’ll take that as a no,” Jensen tells her, turning around to continue facing her.
“Is it really that important to you, Jensen? That you were the best fuck of my life?”
She seems angry, which wasn’t Jensen’s intention. He was hoping that reminding her that he used to make her feel good would change her mind. And maybe part of it is pride, because at one time he was her favourite, and the thought that he isn’t anymore just makes this whole thing worse. If he can’t even get to the top of that list, then she’s never going to come back to him. He really needs Drew to be bad at the sex stuff to even stand any chance. Y/N might be pretending to be this new person, but deep down she’s still the girl he fell in love with, and she’s been denying that part of herself for too long. Something’s gotta break eventually.
“Even if you were, it doesn’t matter anymore, because it’s never going to happen again,” she continues. “I am engaged to a man that’s… amazing and kind and… doesn’t push me away when he feels things.”
“I didn’t push you away,” Jensen insists once again.
“You may as well have,” she counters. “Drew loves me, and he’s a good guy and I–” she stops, choking on the tears that fill her eyes. “I can’t do this to him.”
“Do what?” Jensen pushes, stepping closer. Her back presses against the wall as Jensen leans over her, reaching up to push the wet hair out of her face.
Y/N closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath in. “Don’t, Jensen,” she whispers. He wants to kiss her so badly, but she’s just explicitly told him not to. At least, he thinks that’s what she was saying.
Jensen relents, leaning his forehead against hers and taking a deep breath in. He closes his eyes too, just soaking in the feeling of being this close to her.
“I miss you,” he breathes, surprised to hear his own thoughts spoken out loud.
Y/N tilts her head back just slightly, enough that their noses brush, and then her lips ghost over his, it feels more like breath than skin, but it’s a sensation against Jensen’s lips he didn’t realise he’d missed as much as he has. But then it’s gone, and she is too. Jensen senses her slide out from under him, and then hears her bedroom door close. His hand clenches into a fist, and he takes another deep breath.
So close, yet so far.
Jensen raises his fist, but stops before it can make contact with the door. Sighing heavily he drops it back to his side and slumps against the doorframe, leaning in a little closer to see if he can hear anything, but there’s nothing to hear. It’s been over twenty four hours since their moment in the hallway, and she hasn’t left her room since. Not to eat or drink or use the bathroom. Jensen’s understandably concerned, but given why she locked herself in her bedroom in the first place, he’s not sure he’s her favourite person right now, and he doesn’t want to upset her further.
The more he thinks about it, and about his comments and behaviour since they reunited, he realises what an ass he’s been. Who the fuck asks their ex about their sex life like some insecure kid? Why should it even matter if Drew is better than him? Jensen still doesn’t like the kid, not after what he’d said at golf, but if Y/N is truly happy with him then maybe Jensen needs to accept that. After all, he just wants her to be happy; truly happy, and if that’s not with him, then so be it. It’s the whole reason he sent her away to college in the first place. This has never been about him. It’s always been about her, and it always will be. He can’t ever be selfish with his love for her. And making all these comments, trying to push her into doing something she clearly doesn’t want to do, is the most selfish thing he could do.
Jensen steps back, staring at the door for a moment longer before relenting and heading downstairs to the kitchen. He promises himself that if by tomorrow she hasn’t come out, he’ll knock, and he’ll talk to her and apologise. But for now he’ll give her just a little more space. He heads over to the coffee machine and turns it on, rubbing his forehead when it feels like the start of a migraine is gonna hit him. He roots through one of the kitchen drawers for some Advil and swallows two dry, hoping it’ll help quickly.
A knock at his door steals his attention away from the pain, and he frowns slightly, noticing that it’s getting close to the evening. School still doesn’t start for another two days, but students are slowly starting to come back now, so maybe it’s one of the boarding staff. Jensen straightens his henley, heading to the door and clearing his throat. He puts on a fake smile as he opens it, the smile faltering and then fading altogether when he sees Drew standing there, beaming at him.
“Hey Jensen, is my beautiful fianceé here?”
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