Chapter Tags: angst, guilt, anxiety
Chapter WC: ± 1.8K
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Your POV
You’ve been feeling anxious all day. Not that you think that Jensen’s going to tell Drew about your history, or about the kiss you shared the day before in your father’s study; Jensen telling Drew any of those things wouldn’t be good for either of you, and not because of Drew but because of your father. So you know it’s irrational to worry about that, but you can’t help it. What if Jensen doesn’t even say anything but Drew figures it out somehow, anyway? You barely slept all night just replaying the kiss in your mind, feeling the guilt swimming around in your stomach.
You regret kissing Jensen again. But the worst part? You don’t regret it for the reasons you should – cheating on Drew, once again lying to your father, breaking your own promise to yourself that you’d never let Jensen back in – those are all the reasons you should regret it. But instead, the only reason you actually do, is because you worked so hard to forget him. To forget how he tasted, how it felt to be held by him – kissed by him. It took you years to get over him, to forget enough to move on. But yesterday – that kiss – it brought it all flooding back. And you miss him, god help you, but you do. You miss everything about him, and that makes your heart ache. Everything just feels so wrong now, like this isn’t where you’re meant to be.
You’d been so proud of your life and what you’d achieved after everything you’ve been through, and Jensen turned that upside down with one kiss. Because it’s all a lie, everything feels like a fraud without him.
“Fuck you, Jensen,” you grunt under your breath to yourself, sighing heavily as you drop a shirt into your suitcase and take a deep breath.
You turn and look at the photos on your dresser, reaching for the one of you and Jensen at your graduation, and take a deep breath. To you, it’s so completely obvious how heartbroken the two of you are, how much pain is behind your smiles, but luckily your father and Clarissa have never picked up on that. You find yourself smiling at the photo, though, remembering being that close to him, remembering that cologne he used to wear because he knew you loved it. Sometimes you try to remember if there were ever any bad parts to your relationship, but your mind can’t land on a single one. Is that because there weren’t any, or because you’ve chosen to forget them? Have you just forgotten why you needed to forget him?
You place the photo back and hear the front door opening and closing, the boys talking among themselves as they get in, and you take another deep breath and wipe your eyes, making sure no tears have fallen and ruined your makeup. You return to packing, hearing your bedroom door opening, and you don’t have to look over your shoulder to know it’s Drew.
“Hey, good day at golf?” you ask, surprisingly chirpy given your mood.
“Yeah,” Drew replies a little flatly.
“Who won?” you ask, trying to tell your paranoia to calm down. There’s nothing wrong, everything went fine. Drew doesn’t know anything.
“Jensen,” Drew answers. He doesn’t sit on the bed like you assumed he would, and you finally turn around to look at him, forcing a smile.
“Is that why you’re grumpy?” you try to tease.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he asks, frowning.
Maybe you’re wrong, maybe nothing is fine. Maybe he knows everything.
You swallow hard, frowning back, shaking your head. “About what?”
“Jensen told me, like, as if he thought I knew, and I should’ve known,” Drew carries on.
“Known what, baby?” you ask, laughing awkwardly, even though inside your heart is about to stop beating.
“You failed highschool,” he reminds you.
You can’t deny the relief that washes over you, because for a second you truly believed that Jensen had told Drew about your history together.
“Oh, well, you knew I was a year older than most of my classmates,” you brush off, shrugging.
“But you told me you took a gap year, so why did you lie?” he presses, clearly upset.
You turn back to the case, focusing on refolding a shirt that was a little crumpled, and you take a deep breath. “I guess I was embarrassed that I failed,” you offer, shrugging. It’s quiet, which makes you uncomfortable, but apparently the inquisition isn’t over yet.
“How did you fail? We both know how smart you are, you were top of my class,” he reminds you.
“Maybe because I was fucking my professor,” you try to joke. But Drew doesn’t even smile so you know the deflection hasn’t worked.
You find yourself at a crossroads. Either you come clean about almost everything, tell him about your history with all the boys and parties and insistence to disappoint your father, how Drew isn’t your first and how you have this awful gut feeling he won’t be your last, either. Or, you give him what he wants to hear. A half truth that saves you both a lot of pain right now. And you need easy, there’s too much swimming around in your head for anything else.
“You know my Mom left when I was fourteen,” you remind him, moving to sit on the bed. “I just… lost myself for a long time, didn’t wanna try, didn’t want to do anything. Failing highschool was the wake up call I needed.”
Drew sits beside you slowly, sighing heavily as he reaches across to take your hand. “You could’ve just told me that from the start,” he tells you, squeezing softly.
“I know, but I wanted to impress you, and I didn’t want you thinking I was some fucked up failure with serious Mommy issues.”
“I would’ve never thought that. You’re amazing, and everything you went through… this just makes me love you more. You realised your worth, you realised you were better than that and you worked on yourself, you built yourself up stronger, you made yourself pass highschool, decided to go to college, you did all that despite what you’ve been through, and if your Mom ever finds out what she’s missing out on, she’s going to hate herself for it.”
You swallow hard, not wanting to correct him. You did none of that for yourself, and you probably never would’ve. That was all Jensen. Jensen made you do better, he made you want to pass, he pushed you into college, and a big part of you has always resented him for that, but after hearing Drew talk about it like that, you realise that this entire time Jensen had only ever wanted what was best for you, and you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. And how are you repaying him? Breaking his heart, moving on with someone else? You’re a bitch.
“I don’t deserve any of this,” you confess, tears in your eyes.
“You do, baby, you do,” he rushes to reassure you.
Drew doesn’t deserve this, either. This man is so patient and kind; he’s so loving and supportive. He doesn’t deserve a fiancée that cheats on him the second she’s alone with her ex-boyfriend, and you promise yourself that you’ll do better. You’ll be what Drew deserves. You made a commitment to him, and how you feel about Jensen doesn’t matter anymore. You can’t let Drew down, not after everything he’s done for you.
“Is that why you won’t take the job? Because you feel like you don’t deserve it?”
You close your eyes, taking a deep breath. Of course he’s going to bring that up.
“Maybe,” you finally offer, too emotional to think of any other valid excuse that isn’t the truth.
“Take the job, baby, you deserve this, and it’s gonna be great for you. After everything you’ve been through, don’t let all that hard work turning your life around go to waste,” he implores.
You think about it for a moment, knowing he’s right. You need a job, and it is a great opportunity. Temporary to get you the experience, and while it’s not in New York, it’s close to home. You can control yourself around Jensen – you will control yourself around him. In fact, you barely have to see him. Staff meetings, maybe a couple of run-ins in the school hall. You can manage that.
“Okay,” you agree, nodding. “I’ll take the job.”
“It’s gonna be pretty great having you closer,” your father beams, making you smile.
“I’m still a three hour drive away, Dad,” you remind him softly.
“Yeah, but it’s better than a three hour minimum flight,” he reminds you. “So I guess you’re not going back to New York? You’ll stick around until Jensen leaves? Catch a ride with him?”
“Sounds sensible,” Drew agrees.
“Oh, I don’t know,” you shake your head. “I mean, all my stuff is still in New York.”
“That’s okay, I’ve got time, I can go home, pack some stuff and bring it to you. You can make do with what you’ve brought for this trip for a week, right?”
“I mean–” you start.
“Where are you gonna stay?” Drew suddenly asks.
“Oh, I’ll get an apartment, but I’ll stay at a hotel until I find one,” you explain, already having thought that bit through.
“What? You don’t need to pay out for a hotel,” your father scoffs. As if on cue, Jensen enters the room, and your Dad looks over at him. “Y/N can stay with you, right, Jen? Until she finds an apartment.”
“Yeah man, of course, I’ve got a spare room. I mean, you’re welcome to move in, you don’t have to get an apartment at all,” Jensen offers, flashing you a wide grin. What the hell is he playing at? Why would he want his ex-girlfriend to move in with him? Maybe he’s just playing the part in front of your father so no one gets suspicious.
“There we go,” Jared smiles.
“I want my own space,” you insist.
“Alright, so get an apartment, but until then, you’ve got Jensen’s spare room,” your dad tells you.
“There’s only like ten days until the semester starts, and you’re gonna have lesson plans to read up on, and you’ll need to sort out your new classroom, you’re gonna be busy enough,” Drew reminds you.
“Of course,” you nod, starting to feel a little overwhelmed. There’s so much to think about, living with your ex-boyfriend cannot be added to that list.
“Hey,” Drew calls calmly, reaching for your hand. “It’s okay, baby, this is exciting stress, right?”
You glance at Jensen, seeing him smiling warmly at you.
“Right, of course,” you agree, looking back at Drew. “It’s gonna be fun.”
“Yeah, it is,” Jensen agrees, flashing you a wink.
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