Chapter Tags: heavy angst, fluff, abandonment, mentions of affair, feelings of being unwanted
Chapter WC: 3170
Your POV
“Hey, baby?” Jensen speaks up, reaching across to grip your thigh. You stop and look over at him, swallowing nervously. “You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”
“I’m ready,” you insist, not sure if you’re trying to convince yourself of Jensen more.
“Listen, sweetheart, there are things that we haven’t told you about your mother, and I just think–”
“She can tell me herself,” you interrupt, stubbornly. Jensen takes a deep breath and then nods silently. “I need to know, Jensen. And I need her to know.”
You can’t even bring yourself to say the words to Jensen, how are you going to say them to your mother? What if you get there and freeze? What if you can’t speak at all? What if she doesn’t even recognise you? You can’t bear the thought of that. But you’ve had so many questions in your head for years, and this is the first time you might actually get some answers. It’s starting to sink in now – that this is real, that this is really happening, that you might finally get some closure – and if you’re lucky, a mother.
You duck your head a little lower to take in the full expanse of the house across the street. It’s tall and fairly grand; a little smaller than your home, but still just as impressive. The front lawn is kept perfectly, like every blade of grass has been trimmed by hand with scissors, and the door is a dark, glossy brown with a large silver knocker in the centre. There’s a car parked on the drive; some fancy BMW with a personalised licence plate.
“Are you sure this is the right one?” you check, looking down at your phone to check you’d entered the correct address.
“Number 865?” Jensen checks, glancing at your phone too, and then back up at the house. You can see those numbers scrolled into the side of the mailbox by the front gate. “Yeah, looks like.”
You take a deep breath, biting your bottom lip and nodding your head. Your hands are sweaty, and your heart is beating so hard it hurts, making your throat tight and your mouth dry. Maybe this is a bad idea, after all.
“Baby girl,” Jensen calls softly again, reaching across for your hand. “Do you want me to come with you?”
You take another deep breath, trying to calm your thoughts. You want Jensen there more than anything, you always feel safer when he’s around, and you wouldn’t have even gotten this far without him. There’s a lot you wouldn’t have done without Jensen. But this is something you know you need to do alone, as much as you don’t want to.
“I need to do this alone,” you whisper, suddenly worried he’ll be offended by that. But Jensen just smiles softly, reaching for the back of your neck and bringing you closer to him, pressing his lips against your forehead for a long moment.
“Then I’ll be right here,” he reassures you.
You nod and offer him a nervous smile, before pulling back and opening the car door. By some miracle you’re able to walk yourself to the gate, and then up the path to the front door. This is the last time you can ever think about all the different possibilities of how this is going to go, because you’re about to find out exactly how it’s going to go. You bravely lift your fist and knock on the door, waiting anxiously on shuffling feet. A dog barks, and you hear a woman’s voice calling for Socks to be quiet, your breath hitching in your throat as you remember that voice from your childhood. You’re about to turn around, change your mind and insist Jensen take you home, but then the door opens, and she’s there.
“I’m sorry, it’s a mad house here,” she laughs, not looking up from holding the large golden retriever by the collar to stop him jumping on you. When she finally does glance up, her face drops a little and she straightens up. “Y/N?”
“Hey, Mom.”
The words taste funny in your mouth, and you dig your hands into the pockets of your jeans as you nervously wait for her reaction.
“How did you find me?” she asks, frowning slightly. “Urm, come in, this dog is stronger than me.” She laughs awkwardly and yanks the dog to one side to allow you the room. You step inside anxiously, feeling nausea swimming around your stomach.
You glance back to watch her closing the door and letting the dog go, and he jumps up at you straight away.
“Socks!” she huffs, pulling him back.
“Socks is an interesting name,” you find yourself saying, trying your best to seem calm and collected.
“Yeah, my son named him,” she laughs a little, and then she stops, panic in her eyes. The words are like a punch in the gut for you, winding you and leaving you breathless. “Why don’t we go and sit down?” she suggests, guiding you further down the hallway towards a living room.
You follow in a daze, finding a room full of children’s toys. There’s a baby in a highchair at the dining table, babbling away to themselves. Your eyes take in the photos on the walls and you see your mother with strangers, a man you vaguely recognise, and then a young boy that looks about three, and the baby you can see at the dining table right now. You try for a moment to place the man, staring into his empty blue eyes in the photo, and then you finally remember seeing him at some Christmas party your parents threw the year before she left. He was in the kitchen with your mother when you walked in, and she awkwardly introduced you to him as her boss.
“This was a mistake,” you find yourself blurting out.
“Y/N?” your mother presses.
“I came to invite you to my graduation, I wanted… I wanted you to… fuck.” You swallow hard, the words not coming out right.
“Oh, Y/N, I’d love to, but I’m so busy with the kids and…” she struggles.
“Yeah, I can see that. I should go.” You turn around and head towards the front door, each step only making you more and more angry. You turn around, seeing your mother wide eyed and speechless in the living room doorway. “Do you ever think about me, Mom? Or Dad? Do you ever think about the family you abandoned? Or are you too busy with the kids and your new life for that, too?” Your mother opens her mouth but then closes it again. “Whatever, I can’t believe I wasted so much time missing you.”
You throw the door open and run out of it, down the garden path and back towards Jensen’s car. You climb in immediately, and Jensen opens his mouth, but doesn’t say anything.
“Just drive, take me away from here, please,” you plead.
You’ve been driving for twenty minutes in silence, but you’re still so angry and hurt. Except now, the anger is settling just enough that you’re able to cry. Tears silently start running down your cheeks, and you try your best to hide them from Jensen, looking out the window and watching things pass you by.
“Hey, sweetheart?” Jensen asks softly, almost tentatively. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready… or at all, but I’m here.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. She doesn’t miss me, she’s forgotten all about me.” You reach up and brush a tear away, sniffling hard.
“I’m sure that isn’t true,” he tries.
“It is fucking true,” you grit out, angry again.
“Your mom was your age when she got pregnant with you, you know that. You know it was never a planned thing, but she and your Dad wanted you, and they tried to make it work. What you don’t know is that your Mom struggled a lot when you were born. According to your Dad she was put on antidepressants when you were only six weeks old.” You feel his hand on your thigh and he squeezes gently. “Maybe it was too much too soon for her, maybe she was just never cut out to be a mom or a family woman,” he offers.
You scoff at the very idea, the family portrait that you saw hanging in her living room still burned into your mind.
“If that’s true then why does she have a whole new family? Two boys,” you reply flatly. Jensen’s fingers flex around your thigh a little tighter, and you turn your head to look at him. “She’s remarried and she has two kids with some other man. She just started again, Jensen, like me and Dad don’t even exist. She was never the problem, clearly that’s always been me.”
Jensen’s hand slips away, and he reaches up and rubs it over his mouth, before gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles start turning white.
“Fucking bitch,” he mutters bitterly under his breath. “No, Y/N, listen to me,” he says a lot more firmly. “I won’t have you do what your father did, okay? I won’t let you blame yourself the way he did. This is all on her. These are all her problems. You and your father never did anything wrong.” Jensen’s ranting now, more to himself than you, and he’s pissed. You’ve never seen Jensen this pissed off before. “Fuck, she’s the one that cheated, she’s the one that left!”
“She cheated?” you find yourself asking, frowning at him. “With her boss, right?” you guess.
“Yeah,” Jensen confirms nodding. He seems to calm down a little, a blush staining his cheeks. “I’m sorry, your father never wanted you to know that.”
“Why?”
Jensen sighs, licking his lips. “Because your mom might be a fucking bitch, but she’s still your mom, and I guess your dad wanted you to have a better memory of her than that. He tried to make it work with her even after he found out, for your sake, but your mom just wasn’t interested.”
“So she cheated on him, and he still forgave her, still tried to make it work, and even after she left us, he still let me believe she wasn’t all that bad?” You’re confused as to why he’d do something like that, why didn’t he tell you how much of a bitch she was any of the times that you blamed him, or made him feel like the bad guy for ‘making her’ leave?
“That’s just the way your father is, Y/N. He’s always wanted what‘s best for you, always put you first. If keeping the fact that your mother is the bad guy from you did that, then so be it.”
“I always blamed him,” you choke out, fresh tears in your eyes.
“He doesn’t blame you for that,” Jensen reassures you, reaching across for your thigh again.
“I need to see him, can you take me home?”
“Of course.”
“Dad?” Your voice echoes around the house, and you hear movement upstairs, moving towards the stairs, and then you see your father start to descend them.
“Hey you,” he laughs slightly, frowning. “What are you doing here? I thought I wasn’t gonna see you until graduation?”
As soon as he finishes coming down the stairs and he’s on flat ground, you run up to him, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him tightly. He hesitates for a second and then holds you back, smoothing down your hair and kissing the top of your head.
“I was just packing actually, was gonna head up tomorrow so I’m there in plenty of time.” His voice echoes around his chest as you bury your face in it, and you let the tears fall. “Is everything okay?” he checks. You hear Jensen behind you, closing the door. “What happened?” he asks Jensen.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” you sob, holding him tighter. “I’m sorry I blamed you, it was never your fault. Mom was never your fault. You were always the best, I’m sorry.” He hesitates for a second as he strokes your hair, and then kisses your head again.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he sighs, “it’s okay. What brought this on?”
“It doesn’t matter,” you insist. He spent so long protecting you from your mother, you don’t want him to know you shattered the illusion for yourself. You pull back. “I guess I’m just growing up and realising some things for myself.” Jared smiles softly, reaching up and wiping the tears from your cheeks. “Thank you, Dad, for being my dad and my mom. I’m sorry I’ve been such an awful daughter.”
Jared holds your face in his hands and laughs softly, shaking his head. “You’ve always been the best daughter… My favourite one, actually,” he smirks. You roll your eyes and laugh, shaking your head, and Jared pulls you closer kissing your forehead. “I love you, sweetheart, and I am so proud of you. I cannot wait to see you graduate.”
“Is Clarissa coming?” you find yourself asking, glancing back to see Jensen’s not around anymore, he must’ve made himself at home elsewhere to give you and your father a moment alone.
“I didn’t think you’d want her there,” your dad confesses, biting his bottom lip anxiously.
“She should come. Bet not everyone thought I’d make it to graduation, so she needs to take advantage of the rare moment I get to prove you all wrong.”
Jared smiles warmly, nodding and kissing your forehead again. “She’d love to be there, she’s proud of you, too.”
With less than twenty four hours until you see your father again, the goodbye isn’t quite so long or emotional, though you do get a little teary and hug him for several moments before you leave, which he seems very pleased about. The journey back to school is mostly quiet. There’s so much to digest, and while you’re not crying anymore, you’re still hurting from the day’s revelations. Still, there is a sense of serenity and calm now that you’ve made up with your dad, and you have a new quiet appreciation for him and everything he’s done. You don’t even hate the idea of him with Clarissa anymore. In fact, the thought of your mom finding out that your dad is now fucking her sister kinda makes you smile. Jensen hasn’t seemed fazed at all by their relationship, and if he has been, he’s been good at hiding it.
You glance over at him and smile softly to yourself. There’s so much you need to thank him for, but you’ll never find the words, and while it was supposed to be just sex between the two of you, there’s no point denying that deep down, for you it’s always felt like more. But you can’t be sure that that’s the case for Jensen. He’s given you so many mixed signals, and you don’t wanna seem weak or needy and ask him, so you keep your mouth shut.
“Can we just hang out tonight?” you find yourself asking.
“Netflix and chill?” he jokes, smirking over at you.
“I was thinking more just the Netflix bit.”
Jensen seems surprised but then nods his head. “Sure, I’d like that.” He lets the quiet grow for a moment, and then clears his throat. “Is there anything you want to talk about? From today or… anything else?”
“I think I’m pretty tired of thinking about my mom,” you confess, crossing your arms over your chest. “I just wanted to prove to her that I can do well without her, that I could make her proud.”
“You don’t need her approval, sweetheart, there are plenty of people in your life that are proud of you, and they are the only ones that matter.”
You nod, smiling slightly at him. You know he’s right, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
“So much of my life I spent worrying about her and finding her, and making her want me, and I’ve never thought about what I want for myself.”
Jensen licks his lips and clears his throat, “Listen, I know I keep harping on about it, but what about college?”
You roll your eyes playfully, but for once you don’t dismiss it. It is an option, but the idea of Jensen wanting you to go so badly only cements the idea that this thing between you isn’t anything more than sex for him, and maybe it never will be.
“I missed the deadlines, so I won’t get in,” you argue.
“What if you didn’t? What if you already got into the best liberal arts college in the country?”
You laugh at the very idea, shaking your head at him. You never thought you’d even get into college, let alone a good one.
“Yeah, right.”
Jensen leans across, opening the glovebox in front of you and reaching for a letter, handing it over to you tentatively. You frown at him, seeing it’s addressed to you, but it’s been opened.
“I wanted to keep your options open,” he explains carefully, almost nervously. “And I knew you were never gonna apply yourself, and I was worried you’d have regretted that.”
You take the letter out and open it up to see it’s from Williams College. Your eyes scan over the words, seeing the word accepted and your heart stops. You got in somewhere. You glance up to the address under the college header, seeing Massachusetts printed there.
“This is the other side of the country,” you tell him, swallowing hard.
You don’t even know what to think about that, your eyes scanning over the letter again. You’re happy – proud even – that you got in, but you’re also feeling more and more pushed out by Jensen. He doesn’t want you that much that he wants you to move to the other side of the country.
“Maybe it’s the fresh start you need,” Jensen offers, clearly oblivious to your inner turmoil. “Just think about it, yeah?”
You nod, a little speechless, trying to get your head around what this means and could mean for you and Jensen. But who are you kidding about there ever being anything more between you two than sex? There can’t be, especially given who he is to you.
You’re quiet the rest of the journey home, and when you pull up outside Jensen’s house, you climb out of the car, still clutching the letter in your hand. You silently start making your way to the path that leads towards the dorms, but Jensen calls out your name and stops you.
“Thought you wanted to Netflix?” he asks, gesturing to his house. You swallow, not really sure you want to just hang out with the guy that doesn’t really want you.
“I’m pretty tired, actually,” you lie.
“Oh right, okay sure,” he nods.
You were stupid to think it would ever be any more between the two of you, anyway. And there’s nothing wrong with just sex, there never has been before. “I mean…” you bite your bottom lip, “I guess I could stay if you just wanna do the chill part?”
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